Can I Say Racist Now?

Since Barak Obama came on the national scene We have been fumbling over the conversation of racism in America. Whites have told Blacks that we are too sensitive and we should let it go. Blacks have struggled with where we are now and how far we have to go. We see it, we live it, we know it…..but we really do have white friends, really good ones too. Then, there are the white family members, we love them as sure as our heart beats. But there is something going on that used to be just beneath the surface, now it is starting to bubble up in the most unlikely places. It has caught a lot of us completely off guard. That is how we have gotten to this place we are today. Not quite sure how to respond, how we should react. Well at least in public. Conservatives have told us that we play the race card, that we only dislike Clarence Thomas and Herman Cain because they refuse to be victims. Sometimes you hear something enough and you start to see a little truth in it. But today I call BS! B.S.!!! When a sitting Congressmen (White) calls our President (Black) a tar baby. I say, you sir are a racist A** that does not deserve the use of the word sir. You deserve to be kicked unceremonisly out of office and run back into the hole from which you crawled. Not sure what bothers me more at this point that he said it ir that there seems to be not outrage that he said it. CNN had it in a blog, it was hard to uncover it anywhere. He said it on a radio program and not even the host said well maybe that is a little too far. B.S.!

As a Black woman it sometimes makes me laugh (others my heart is just heavy) to see the knots people tie themselves into trying to not to call someone a racist because, yes, it is a very offensive term. But in truth it applied to Joe Wilson, but instead he was rewarded with 2 million in campaign contributions. It applied to the Los Alamitos, California mayor Dean Grose with the watermelons on the white house lawn email, but he was just being funny and meant no harm, after all he apologized. Oh and lets not forget the SCGOP, (South Carolina again!), activist and former state Senate candidate Rusty DePass who said an escaped gorilla was one of First Lady Michelle Obama’s ancestors. He too apologized, it was a joke people!! No harm no foul. Right now I am pretty darn tired of hearing I’m sorry. After a while you start to feel like the battered wife who gets her butt kicked every Friday and an apology every Monday. It loses a little something after a while. I ask my White counterparts when do we say it? Do we wait for them to actually say the N word? When do you step up and say okay, you are an A** and a racist one at that. There has to be the line that a person cannot cross. Maybe I draw mine a little further up than you do but where is yours? Because try as I might I cannot find ANY other use of the words tar baby but to call a Black person less than, not good enough, beneath, inferior and any other term you can find. My family will tell you I am pretty sensitive. Growing up I was the crybaby of my family. But, today even they would agree, this is B.S!! And I’m calling every decent American on it!

When Death Comes

Death comes without warning but always seem to reek havoc no matter the circumstance. My Uncle died on Sunday morning of a heart attack. When my Sister called I knew something was wrong because with both of us being Sunday School teachers, Sunday morning is not a time we call each other. When she told me I actually felt relief. Not because he was sick, but because it was not one of my other Uncles or Aunts. For that my heart feels a sadness that I cannot explain. I should love this man, he is my father’s brother yet I feel nothing at his death. I grew up around him yet I have no good memories to morn. That makes me feel sad. I am one of those people who was a true village reared kid. My family is super close sometimes a little too. So my uncles and aunts are like second parents to me. I worry over them, always answer their calls, take their advice with a smile and treat them with the utmost respect. But this person I do not know him, I never knew him. He was distant, mean and just plain not nice. I have never felt anything for him. Now that he is dead that makes me think of Patti Labelle’s advice that we learn something from every situation. From this I have learned a few things:

Being a good person is important. It is important to be good to your family and to others. Being mad at the world only shuts you off from it.

Your life truly speaks for you. There is a song that used to be THE funeral song the lyrics are something like “may the life I’ve lived speak for me, May the works I’ve done speak for me…” It will, just be sure you like what it says.

In life every decision you make affects someone besides you. My uncle did not have insurance not because he could not afford it but because he was selfish and cheap. Well, that put the burden of burying him on his sisters who are already stretched to the limit.

It is important to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. I did not like my uncle but he was my aunts’ and uncles’ brother. Without parents, the mere thought of losing a sibling can bring on a full fledged panic attack. For that reason I will go this funeral help pay for this funeral and even buy flowers.

In life I would never ever want to bring pain to any of my family or friends. But upon my death I hope that my family and friends will shed a tear at the thought of my not being with them anymore. I hope that very few people will come to my funeral out of duty but all will be there out of love or at the very least respect.

My grandmother was truly a wise woman. For a woman who had no formal education she offered the best life advice. She used to say that we don’t get to choose family because if we did some people would have nobody. Ain’t that the truth!!

Who Is The Adult In This Situation?

My kids and I have many one liners that help them to understand what I expect of them. When they tell me about something some one else is doing I ask who are you responsible for? Or when they misbehave in church I say where are you? Those questions usually get instant results. The other is who is the adult in this situation? I ask this when they are trying to be too adult. I am in charge. My little one used to say mommy is the adult in this station. When I see things like the Professor Gates story I ask myself that question. Who indeed is the adult in this situation, or more to the point where was the adult in this situation. I have not shared my thoughts on the whole Gates affair because I figured there was enough people who did. But then I am ridding to work yesterday and I hear a story about an 18 year-old from Union, SC who is suing the police department over a strip search during a traffic stop. If you read the story it seems completely outrageous. Why would broken headlight or even drunk driving cause a strip search? I cannot see the reasoning in this but the part of this story that gets me is this:


Turner said she and her friend got out and the officer searched the car, even using a dog. Then, he called for backup from a Union County deputy.

Turner said the officers searched her car and then called for a female detention center officer to strip search her and her friend in the parking lot.

"First, she me made me put my hands up on the roof," Turner said. "Then she made me pull my shirt up and unfasten my bra. Then she made me, after that, she fastened my bra and pulled my shirt down. Then she made me pull my pants and my panties down, squat and cough."

OK WTF?!?! Who are these people who show up for this kind of craziness and then go along with it. If I were the female officer I hope I would have had the guts to tell them to call me when they arrest her and we can search her then. Or better yet tell him to go get his meds because this is some crazy shit. Why is there more than one officer and not ONE of them have the sense God gave them to quote Whitney and say HELL TO THE NAW! I am not doing that and neither are you. You have search the car and used dogs! You have found nothing we are going home now. Write them a ticket, let’s go! ALL every last one of them ALL of the officers involved in this stop need to reprimanded. That is the only way to curb this kind of craziness from happening. The officer is this case was reprimanded but only because the stop took too long. Apparently it took over an hour to let these kids go.

I know this kid is not Black but this is the same behavior that happened at Professor Gates’ house. All of those officers on that porch and not ONE of them had the courage to say take those cuffs off and let that man go back in his house. NOT ONE. After the whole crazy affair go down they all go on TV to say they support the guy. He goes on TV and acts like a 2nd grader saying I am NOT apologizing ain't gonna happen. Are you serious? Even if the arrest was legitimate he at least have to admit that the man was tired and maybe him the professional people server could have just let the guy go to bed. Who is going to really think that a guy robbing a house answers the door. This guy is 50s maybe 5'10 with a cane. OK you don't need to apologize but I bet the next person you stop is going to be very suspicious of your ass. Come to my door and I will be calling the cops to send someone else. If I were Chief ALL, EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM would be reprimanded. It is crazy to think that all of the people that have to be involved in a traffic stop or arrest and none of them step in and just say NO! Who are the adults here? Are we not supposed to be dealing with professionals? This is the thing that bothers me more than the rouge cop. It is the good cop that stands by at one of the bogus stops and do nothing. It is not just Crowley that owes Gates an apology it is every officer on that porch.

I have my own story many actually just as most of the people I know. My brother came to see me when I lived in Baltimore. He drove up at night after work got in about 1am sat at a gas station and called me to come get him because he feared getting lost in the dark at that time of night. He even joked about getting caught in the wrong place and me having to spend the weekend trying to find him. I get to the station and just make a U-turn so he can follow. As soon as he turns on his lights and get behind me the blue lights go on. I think they are after me for the U-turn so I pull over. They are stopping him. The cop gives us some story about a woman reporting her boyfriend violating a restraining order and breaking in to her home. I ask the back up officer, who is pointing hi gun at me because I am trying to explain that I cannot leave because my brother has no idea where he is and I need to get him to my home, would the woman not have said first and foremost that the guy has SC plates? After he figures he is not going to get me to leave he finally looks at me and says I am just backup. Well just backup is pointing a gun at a pregnant woman and her 2 sleeping kids. Needles to say I called any and everyone I knew after that incident. I did get an apology but I wonder what my son would think of the police had he been awake for that? How then am I supposed to trust the police if he arrests my kid? I will not. My past experience has told me not to. Mr. Policeman the next time you wonder why the public thinks of you as public enemy no 1 look in the mirror.

Not to say that I have not had good interaction with officers. I have. I got stopped in VA on my way home the night my Dad passed and that officer was going to give me a ticket but instead sat with me on the side of the road until I stopped crying and called me every hour until I made it home safely. I also had an officer let my friend come to my house to drop off her car and kids so he would not have to arrest her for a minor incident in front of her kids. He even called me when he processed her so I could be ready to get her when she could go home. When I thanked him, he told me we all make mistakes and he did not want to tarnish a single mom in her kids’ eyes. I know both these officers violated all kinds of rules to do these acts of kindness but I am glad that they were the adult professionals we would like to think exist in our police departments.

Adults Behaving Badly

Is it Ok to excuse an adult for behavior you would punish your kids for? This is a question I am pondering because I encountered a very very rude adult at church. While I was complaining about the behavior, two of her friends came to her defense. I was told that she is one of the nicest, kind hearted people I would ever come in contact with. They said she would do anything she can for you. She just has a “personality” and you just have to get used to her. My issue is she is old enough to know better. And, I remember a nice kind old lady in my church growing up just like her, Sister W. That woman was one of the reasons I had to be dragged into any kind of leadership role in successive churches. I always felt I would encounter a Sister W. I knew a Sister W was not going to bring out the best in me. I also felt that Sister W stole a lot of my worship from me. As an adult I get that I gave up my worship and Sister W was indeed a very nice person who would be mortified to know that I disliked her enough to hold back in church. But still, maybe things would have been different if her friends had said to her that she was rude and needed to check her behavior instead of telling me and others that she meant no harm or that’s just the way she is.

I read a piece by Blogher’s Mata H. on your ideal place of worship and this incident instantly came to mind. This makes me wonder if this is really my ideal place of worship. I want a place where I and my children can grow spiritually, be nurtured, loved and feel safe. I am not into having to walk on eggshells to account for someone’s personality. That did not work out well for me in my marriage, hence the EX husband. I am almost never rude I go out of my way to make people feel special and welcome. So why then do I get treated with such disrespect and then told ‘it just the way she is’.

Back to my original point why is it that we expect more from kids than adults? If either of these defenders of this lady had been told that their kids behaved this way they would have apologized to me and made their kids apologize. A friend of mine told me that she once took her son to a church service when he was 4 or 5 and he behaved very badly. She said she got him in the foyer of the church and said “you know better than to act this way. We do not behave like this in church.” He responded to her by saying “mommy this not a real church, because that man up there was drunk at pa pa’s house yesterday”. She said she was stunned and so were the people in the foyer. She said so we just left. Our children are watching us. Be it the child like me who just sat in church for years because I felt like all churches had a Sister W or this little boy who felt he was not in a real church because he saw the minister drunk the day before. Why defend the adult who should know better than to behave this way and esp in church. When is it appropriate to say to a friend that was rude you owe her/him an apology? If you are truly a friend why not have that conversation? How do you handle an adult’s bad behavior? Remember your kids or someone else’s may be watching.

Lonely

I am one of those people who can be alone in a roomful of people. I do not know that I was ever really the social type. This will be news to people who know me and think I am a social butterfly. I am just a southern girl who learned to be friendly very early in life. For as long as I can remember I loved having people around but I always needed a moment to myself in the midst of it. As a kid I would go to my room and just sit for a few minutes or find myself a quiet place or sit in a corner. Now I just retreat into myself. In a room full of people I can shut down totally and completely and give myself a time out. I have always, it seems been alone. And fine with it. But up until now I have never been lonely.

Two years ago I packed up my kids and gave up over a decade of living in Baltimore. A city I loved dearly. The thing was it did not love me back. I had some of my greatest moments in life living in that city. All of my children were born while I was a resident there, I got married and divorced while living there. I found some of my best sister and brother friends while living there. But, truth is, Baltimore did not have room for a single mom who collected child support on a spotty basis to live a full and prosperous life. At least not what I would call full a prosperous. I wanted a life without waking up sitting on my deck and watching drug deals go down, having to put my kids in private school because the public one were beyond shitty and then there are the politicians. I would be remiss if I did not mention the near perfect record of over 300 murders per year. Somewhere in the 200s is a good year. Yet I paid $950 bucks a month to watch drug deals go down and tell crackheads to stay away from my porch while hoping the rats stayed in the alley. Yeah, full and prosperous.

Back to being lonely. Even though Baltimore did not offer me an abundance of love I had friends. Dear, wonderful, in tune with me, lovely, accepting, diverse friends. I went on ski trips, and had wine parties did girls night ins and could disappear for days into myself with no problems I also had friends from church and mom friends so all of my bases were covered. Although I have a great delegation of friends here, it is not the same. I do not have a guy that I can call up and say take me out. Or a girlfriend I can go to a bar with or tell sex stories or fantasies to. So I am lonely. For the first time in my life I am missing not having a man. I have been single off and one for 10 years but I was never lonely. This is such a new and unnerving feeling. Our quality of life is soo much better. No more drug deals, the schools are great, we have a great space that does not kill my budget, the politicians…… well everything cannot be great! But being lonely does something to you. I am starting to wonder if the rats and the schools were really that bad. I know they were. I am starting to feel like the abused lover who only remembers the good times with the ex. I know that, like a man, Baltimore is my ex for very very good reasons. But still. I miss it.

Lonely permeates you to the core. It keeps you up at night while making you want to sleep all day. Lonely can make you defensive and scared. I am at once wanting a relationship and leery of starting a new one least I choose badly out of desperation. Lonely is not a good place to be. I am fighting to get out of this place because it eats at your soul.