I have these kids who are just the light of my life. But, and there is always a but. I like it that they are growing up. I never cried at the first day of school, or got sad when they could dress themselves. None of their milestones ever bothered me. I celebrated each and every one as them being a step closer to the door.
That is until now. This little girl is different. I love her no more no less than her brothers but there is something soo sweet and loving about her, that I cannot handle the little things that indicate her growth. She was the independent sort from birth. She was here 1.7 hours after my first labor pain. She did not give me time to get the nice man to put that wonderful needle in my spine. (I was soo looking forward to it) I forgave her for it the minute she came out looking as long as a 3 month old with these little chicken legs and fingers longer than any baby should have. She knew I was tired so she cooed for a minute got herself some grub and went straight to sleep. She was my company in the height of the grief of losing my mother. I look at her now and I am so unprepared for the mix of emotions she brings. Every one of her birthdays is another year that I have spent without my mom. But she brings more joy that I could ever have hoped for. It makes my heart sad but my spirit joyous to listen to her tell me the story of her days in kindergarten. I am soo happy that she dresses herself yet utterly unprepared for the heaviness of my heart when she appears out of her room completely dressed shoes on the right feet and looking stunning. I wonder sometimes if this beautiful little girl is really the result of me the completely gawky, nerdy little kid with the off color hair. She is bubbly and giggly where I was sad and withdrawn. Yet here she is with my mom’s personality and her dad’s height and smile. I do not think I am ready for the big girl that is in my little girl. I want to always hear that wonderful giggle. But I know that all too soon she will be a teenager shutting me out and not wanting to snuggle with me. I am just not sure I can handle it.