Who Is The Adult In This Situation?

My kids and I have many one liners that help them to understand what I expect of them. When they tell me about something some one else is doing I ask who are you responsible for? Or when they misbehave in church I say where are you? Those questions usually get instant results. The other is who is the adult in this situation? I ask this when they are trying to be too adult. I am in charge. My little one used to say mommy is the adult in this station. When I see things like the Professor Gates story I ask myself that question. Who indeed is the adult in this situation, or more to the point where was the adult in this situation. I have not shared my thoughts on the whole Gates affair because I figured there was enough people who did. But then I am ridding to work yesterday and I hear a story about an 18 year-old from Union, SC who is suing the police department over a strip search during a traffic stop. If you read the story it seems completely outrageous. Why would broken headlight or even drunk driving cause a strip search? I cannot see the reasoning in this but the part of this story that gets me is this:


Turner said she and her friend got out and the officer searched the car, even using a dog. Then, he called for backup from a Union County deputy.

Turner said the officers searched her car and then called for a female detention center officer to strip search her and her friend in the parking lot.

"First, she me made me put my hands up on the roof," Turner said. "Then she made me pull my shirt up and unfasten my bra. Then she made me, after that, she fastened my bra and pulled my shirt down. Then she made me pull my pants and my panties down, squat and cough."

OK WTF?!?! Who are these people who show up for this kind of craziness and then go along with it. If I were the female officer I hope I would have had the guts to tell them to call me when they arrest her and we can search her then. Or better yet tell him to go get his meds because this is some crazy shit. Why is there more than one officer and not ONE of them have the sense God gave them to quote Whitney and say HELL TO THE NAW! I am not doing that and neither are you. You have search the car and used dogs! You have found nothing we are going home now. Write them a ticket, let’s go! ALL every last one of them ALL of the officers involved in this stop need to reprimanded. That is the only way to curb this kind of craziness from happening. The officer is this case was reprimanded but only because the stop took too long. Apparently it took over an hour to let these kids go.

I know this kid is not Black but this is the same behavior that happened at Professor Gates’ house. All of those officers on that porch and not ONE of them had the courage to say take those cuffs off and let that man go back in his house. NOT ONE. After the whole crazy affair go down they all go on TV to say they support the guy. He goes on TV and acts like a 2nd grader saying I am NOT apologizing ain't gonna happen. Are you serious? Even if the arrest was legitimate he at least have to admit that the man was tired and maybe him the professional people server could have just let the guy go to bed. Who is going to really think that a guy robbing a house answers the door. This guy is 50s maybe 5'10 with a cane. OK you don't need to apologize but I bet the next person you stop is going to be very suspicious of your ass. Come to my door and I will be calling the cops to send someone else. If I were Chief ALL, EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM would be reprimanded. It is crazy to think that all of the people that have to be involved in a traffic stop or arrest and none of them step in and just say NO! Who are the adults here? Are we not supposed to be dealing with professionals? This is the thing that bothers me more than the rouge cop. It is the good cop that stands by at one of the bogus stops and do nothing. It is not just Crowley that owes Gates an apology it is every officer on that porch.

I have my own story many actually just as most of the people I know. My brother came to see me when I lived in Baltimore. He drove up at night after work got in about 1am sat at a gas station and called me to come get him because he feared getting lost in the dark at that time of night. He even joked about getting caught in the wrong place and me having to spend the weekend trying to find him. I get to the station and just make a U-turn so he can follow. As soon as he turns on his lights and get behind me the blue lights go on. I think they are after me for the U-turn so I pull over. They are stopping him. The cop gives us some story about a woman reporting her boyfriend violating a restraining order and breaking in to her home. I ask the back up officer, who is pointing hi gun at me because I am trying to explain that I cannot leave because my brother has no idea where he is and I need to get him to my home, would the woman not have said first and foremost that the guy has SC plates? After he figures he is not going to get me to leave he finally looks at me and says I am just backup. Well just backup is pointing a gun at a pregnant woman and her 2 sleeping kids. Needles to say I called any and everyone I knew after that incident. I did get an apology but I wonder what my son would think of the police had he been awake for that? How then am I supposed to trust the police if he arrests my kid? I will not. My past experience has told me not to. Mr. Policeman the next time you wonder why the public thinks of you as public enemy no 1 look in the mirror.

Not to say that I have not had good interaction with officers. I have. I got stopped in VA on my way home the night my Dad passed and that officer was going to give me a ticket but instead sat with me on the side of the road until I stopped crying and called me every hour until I made it home safely. I also had an officer let my friend come to my house to drop off her car and kids so he would not have to arrest her for a minor incident in front of her kids. He even called me when he processed her so I could be ready to get her when she could go home. When I thanked him, he told me we all make mistakes and he did not want to tarnish a single mom in her kids’ eyes. I know both these officers violated all kinds of rules to do these acts of kindness but I am glad that they were the adult professionals we would like to think exist in our police departments.

Adults Behaving Badly

Is it Ok to excuse an adult for behavior you would punish your kids for? This is a question I am pondering because I encountered a very very rude adult at church. While I was complaining about the behavior, two of her friends came to her defense. I was told that she is one of the nicest, kind hearted people I would ever come in contact with. They said she would do anything she can for you. She just has a “personality” and you just have to get used to her. My issue is she is old enough to know better. And, I remember a nice kind old lady in my church growing up just like her, Sister W. That woman was one of the reasons I had to be dragged into any kind of leadership role in successive churches. I always felt I would encounter a Sister W. I knew a Sister W was not going to bring out the best in me. I also felt that Sister W stole a lot of my worship from me. As an adult I get that I gave up my worship and Sister W was indeed a very nice person who would be mortified to know that I disliked her enough to hold back in church. But still, maybe things would have been different if her friends had said to her that she was rude and needed to check her behavior instead of telling me and others that she meant no harm or that’s just the way she is.

I read a piece by Blogher’s Mata H. on your ideal place of worship and this incident instantly came to mind. This makes me wonder if this is really my ideal place of worship. I want a place where I and my children can grow spiritually, be nurtured, loved and feel safe. I am not into having to walk on eggshells to account for someone’s personality. That did not work out well for me in my marriage, hence the EX husband. I am almost never rude I go out of my way to make people feel special and welcome. So why then do I get treated with such disrespect and then told ‘it just the way she is’.

Back to my original point why is it that we expect more from kids than adults? If either of these defenders of this lady had been told that their kids behaved this way they would have apologized to me and made their kids apologize. A friend of mine told me that she once took her son to a church service when he was 4 or 5 and he behaved very badly. She said she got him in the foyer of the church and said “you know better than to act this way. We do not behave like this in church.” He responded to her by saying “mommy this not a real church, because that man up there was drunk at pa pa’s house yesterday”. She said she was stunned and so were the people in the foyer. She said so we just left. Our children are watching us. Be it the child like me who just sat in church for years because I felt like all churches had a Sister W or this little boy who felt he was not in a real church because he saw the minister drunk the day before. Why defend the adult who should know better than to behave this way and esp in church. When is it appropriate to say to a friend that was rude you owe her/him an apology? If you are truly a friend why not have that conversation? How do you handle an adult’s bad behavior? Remember your kids or someone else’s may be watching.

Lonely

I am one of those people who can be alone in a roomful of people. I do not know that I was ever really the social type. This will be news to people who know me and think I am a social butterfly. I am just a southern girl who learned to be friendly very early in life. For as long as I can remember I loved having people around but I always needed a moment to myself in the midst of it. As a kid I would go to my room and just sit for a few minutes or find myself a quiet place or sit in a corner. Now I just retreat into myself. In a room full of people I can shut down totally and completely and give myself a time out. I have always, it seems been alone. And fine with it. But up until now I have never been lonely.

Two years ago I packed up my kids and gave up over a decade of living in Baltimore. A city I loved dearly. The thing was it did not love me back. I had some of my greatest moments in life living in that city. All of my children were born while I was a resident there, I got married and divorced while living there. I found some of my best sister and brother friends while living there. But, truth is, Baltimore did not have room for a single mom who collected child support on a spotty basis to live a full and prosperous life. At least not what I would call full a prosperous. I wanted a life without waking up sitting on my deck and watching drug deals go down, having to put my kids in private school because the public one were beyond shitty and then there are the politicians. I would be remiss if I did not mention the near perfect record of over 300 murders per year. Somewhere in the 200s is a good year. Yet I paid $950 bucks a month to watch drug deals go down and tell crackheads to stay away from my porch while hoping the rats stayed in the alley. Yeah, full and prosperous.

Back to being lonely. Even though Baltimore did not offer me an abundance of love I had friends. Dear, wonderful, in tune with me, lovely, accepting, diverse friends. I went on ski trips, and had wine parties did girls night ins and could disappear for days into myself with no problems I also had friends from church and mom friends so all of my bases were covered. Although I have a great delegation of friends here, it is not the same. I do not have a guy that I can call up and say take me out. Or a girlfriend I can go to a bar with or tell sex stories or fantasies to. So I am lonely. For the first time in my life I am missing not having a man. I have been single off and one for 10 years but I was never lonely. This is such a new and unnerving feeling. Our quality of life is soo much better. No more drug deals, the schools are great, we have a great space that does not kill my budget, the politicians…… well everything cannot be great! But being lonely does something to you. I am starting to wonder if the rats and the schools were really that bad. I know they were. I am starting to feel like the abused lover who only remembers the good times with the ex. I know that, like a man, Baltimore is my ex for very very good reasons. But still. I miss it.

Lonely permeates you to the core. It keeps you up at night while making you want to sleep all day. Lonely can make you defensive and scared. I am at once wanting a relationship and leery of starting a new one least I choose badly out of desperation. Lonely is not a good place to be. I am fighting to get out of this place because it eats at your soul.

How To Be a Hero For Less Than $20

You know there are many many charts out there that tell us that raising kids is expensive business. As a single mom I can tell you that is is very hard work as well. But, there are those days when the rewards are soo great that the costs and time seems frivolous compared to the reward. Friday night was one of those nights. You see for less than 20 bucks I was the hero of the day. We had outdoor movie night. So as with all good parenting stuff I feel the need to share with you how you too can be a hero.


1. Three movies from the Redbox.
We got Marley and ME, Open Season 2 and Tinkerbell.

2. Hot dogs, popcorn, soda, 2 bags of chips, dip and cheetos
This is not the most nutritious meal but it is the movies!

3. Put the TV on the porch, line up the furniture like in the movies


We grilled the dogs on the George forman. Then in order to set up we put the TV on the porch along with the pop up table. Set up a bar with the soda, condiments and chips. We put the dip in individual cups (prevents double dipping) gave evryone a cafeteria tray (love yard sales) and off to the movies we went!! It is best to start your show at dusk.

I had a very bad week last week. But listening to the laughter and excitement of my kids and their friends melted all of that away. The best part was snuggling up with my girl and talking to her as watched Tinkerbell together as no one else wanted to watch it. It was just us girls laughing and enjoying Tink. I got all this joy for about $18. It was the best money I spent in a long long time.

Whose Life is This?

I feel like a visitor in my life sometimes. There are days when I hear this happy person speaking and I am amazed to realize it is me. I don’t know who that person is some days. Because me, I am sad upset and wondering where my life went wrong. But this person who looks like me wakes her kids with love and gives hugs and encouragement to get out of the house. She is put together no makeup that is the one thing we have in common but she looks good. She has a great smile and shares it with everyone even the people in the cars passing her on the road. She has on music and is singing laughing and talking to her kids. She has that same smile for the crossing guards, teachers, parents and other kids when it is time for school drop-off. As she drives out of the loop I get to come back. It is my car, those were my kids she dropped off and she is wearing my clothes but the sadness that inhibits my heart has no place in hers. She takes the life she has and does with it the best she can. Me? Not so much. I like that I have a convertible but it would be better if it was a Saab actually it should be a Saab. If I could get my child support, and didn’t work in such a male controlled field, I would have that Saab. But she looks at child support as their responsibility. She says she is responsible for how SHE treats her children not how anyone else does. Me, I see all the things they are missing. Having to do only one activity at a time only being able to go to a week of specialty camp. I want them to pay and pay now! Our lives would be better, we deserve better!

Then there are those times when she embraces me. We spend a day watching TV, not getting dressed and eating to fill my sadness. All of a sudden she hears her/my mother say I am too blessed to be stressed, or one of the hundreds of little inspirational tidbits she has collected over the years and she moves on. She gets up puts on the best clothes in the closet and heads out. Leaving me to my worries, and hurts all by myself. I am not sure when we spilt but we have not spent everyday hanging out for some time now. We spent a week or so together after Dad died, and about a month after Mom but she refuses to spend a lot of time with me now. The most I get is a few minutes here or an hour or so there and then she drops me. I wish I could be like her. But all that smiling, hugging and doing for others is too much for me. I got my own problems. One of them is trying to figure out whose life this is. I no longer remember who got here first. Am I the visitor or is she.

Treading Water

Today I woke up feeling like I am treading water. I feel like the kid in swim class who is trying to pass the test. Just looking at the edge of the pool but too tired or scared (not sure which) to get there. I know this is due in part to my late mommy's birthday being in a few days and my parents anniversary would have been last Saturday. This would have benn a time of activity for me if they were alive. I would be figuring out what to get them both and then what to get her. My biggest worry during this time of year was getting the presents home in time to not be talked about from the pulpit on the Sunday after. Now I am looking at which women's center I will be giving out the lotions my kids wrapped. Getting through the day without having the ultimate selfish thoughs of why did she survive and not my mom. I usually do but this year I am not so sure if I can get through this without wondering why MY mommy? This makes my heart soo sad and I am finding it harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning.