Adults Behaving Badly

Is it Ok to excuse an adult for behavior you would punish your kids for? This is a question I am pondering because I encountered a very very rude adult at church. While I was complaining about the behavior, two of her friends came to her defense. I was told that she is one of the nicest, kind hearted people I would ever come in contact with. They said she would do anything she can for you. She just has a “personality” and you just have to get used to her. My issue is she is old enough to know better. And, I remember a nice kind old lady in my church growing up just like her, Sister W. That woman was one of the reasons I had to be dragged into any kind of leadership role in successive churches. I always felt I would encounter a Sister W. I knew a Sister W was not going to bring out the best in me. I also felt that Sister W stole a lot of my worship from me. As an adult I get that I gave up my worship and Sister W was indeed a very nice person who would be mortified to know that I disliked her enough to hold back in church. But still, maybe things would have been different if her friends had said to her that she was rude and needed to check her behavior instead of telling me and others that she meant no harm or that’s just the way she is.

I read a piece by Blogher’s Mata H. on your ideal place of worship and this incident instantly came to mind. This makes me wonder if this is really my ideal place of worship. I want a place where I and my children can grow spiritually, be nurtured, loved and feel safe. I am not into having to walk on eggshells to account for someone’s personality. That did not work out well for me in my marriage, hence the EX husband. I am almost never rude I go out of my way to make people feel special and welcome. So why then do I get treated with such disrespect and then told ‘it just the way she is’.

Back to my original point why is it that we expect more from kids than adults? If either of these defenders of this lady had been told that their kids behaved this way they would have apologized to me and made their kids apologize. A friend of mine told me that she once took her son to a church service when he was 4 or 5 and he behaved very badly. She said she got him in the foyer of the church and said “you know better than to act this way. We do not behave like this in church.” He responded to her by saying “mommy this not a real church, because that man up there was drunk at pa pa’s house yesterday”. She said she was stunned and so were the people in the foyer. She said so we just left. Our children are watching us. Be it the child like me who just sat in church for years because I felt like all churches had a Sister W or this little boy who felt he was not in a real church because he saw the minister drunk the day before. Why defend the adult who should know better than to behave this way and esp in church. When is it appropriate to say to a friend that was rude you owe her/him an apology? If you are truly a friend why not have that conversation? How do you handle an adult’s bad behavior? Remember your kids or someone else’s may be watching.

The Party of the Century (at least at 6!)

My daughter is now offically a 6-year-old. My how time flies. My baby was born a month almost to the day of my mom's passing. I thought I would be sad on each of her birthdays. But instead I am amazed at her growth and really at her period. I tell people all the time that she has indeed done this whole life thing before. Old soul only scratches the surface on this little chick. My heart just swells looking at her, not becuse she reminds me of how long it has been since my mom has been gone but becuse she is an amazing kid. I cannot wait for what the future will bring us.
Back to the party. She had a princess pampering party. We go this idea from Realhousewivesofatlanta (yes I watched a few episodes) OK now that I have admitted my bad taste in TV. Back to the party. We had a princess pampering party (sleepover). My friend came and did nails my neice and another young friend did toes. We had a catwalk and some very loud singing (who knew a wheelchair ramp could be so glam!) Every great spa offers water and we had our own signature water with birthday girl's name and date of the party. We also had miniatures wraped to spell her name thanks to Deisgn. Rinse. Repeat. We got a lot of great ideas and templates from Vintage glam blog in her freebies section. These were mainly ideas for weddings but we took them down a notch and applied some cute touches for the party. In all we had a great time. It turned into a really really cute affair with all of her friends and a few of mine in aatendace for less than the mice in the pizza store 2 hour party. My baby is 6!

Pictures.... 1001 words

I have come to realize just how special my childhood was. Not just that I spent my childhood between SC in the winter and NY in the summer. I was a village reared kid. I grew up where we never went to a sitter we went to auntie’s or grandma’s house. I was the first and only grandchild and niece in my family for many years. Spoiled was not the word, my grandma used to call it ruient (ruined, I think). I had it good and I highly recommend it if you have the chance. But I was surrounded by good decent men. Not just men but Black men. From my father to my uncles to my older cousins they were loving responsible men. I never had to look far for a man that I knew loved me for no other reason than that I existed.

I keep coming across all of these beautiful photos of President Obama with his girls and of he and Michelle. That look he has when he talks about her or is seen in the pictures where he is looking at her or the girls. I realized that these are not media image we see often of our men. He looks at Michelle the same way my dad used to look at my mom. I remember those looks of pride during some of her sermons or his smiling when she was dressed up. My dad used to joke about how the men would be lining up the minute he closed his eyes becouse his girl was beautiful! But sadly not many of our kids get the chance to live in the world I did nor see great images of men that look like them or their daddy. I used to believe that the absent Black man was a myth. I have seen and experienced first hand that he is not. It is a sad thing.

I know that Blacks in general have placed a lot of our hopes and dreams on President Obama’s shoulders. In some ways this is very unfair to him but this is the reality of any public figure. The good news is he knows and seems to accept this. In an interview he had this to say: “I grew up without a father in the home, and I know how hard it is for a lot of young men and boys who maybe don’t have a father,” Obama said. “To the extent that I can serve as a role model for them, where parents can say here’s somebody who stayed in school and dreamed big dreams and has accomplished something, I’m happy to be used in that way.”

For me though I think one of the most important contributions the Obamas have made could just be in the pictures. The pictures of him with is family are to me the perfect counterbalance to the negative images we see of Black men and families everyday. I know that there are critics out there who are in Obama overload but these images are long coming. In looking on the web I see these images of only Will and Jada Smith. There are many Black celebrities with healthy marriages and happy well adjusted children but those images are not often captured for our children to model. Samuel L Jackson has been married to his wife for over 20 years but a few years ago when he spent time with is daughter on vacation she was reported to be a mystery woman. Because the images of him as loving father are not there. Michael Jordan is another that comes to mind, he has 2 sons and was married for many years, there are thousands of images of him but I could only find one of him with his kids and wife. Denzel Washington is a father and a man who has a long lasting marriage. There have been reports of him in the stands for his son’s college games but none of him watching little league games or just hanging with his kids. Maybe these men have opted for their family’s privacy. But maybe nobody thought these images were important.

For people of all races these are important images. Not only do Black children need to see positive images of other Blacks so do children and adults of other races. Imagine seeing the Vogue Cover of Lebron James, any cover of Fifty cents, watching cops and then going to kindergarten to find a Mr. teacher. Maybe just a little scary? Maybe if there weren't so many negative images of us the incident in Philly would not have had to happen and 65 kids would not have that hurtful experience forever sealed in their memories. Just. Maybe.

What goes around comes around

1975 or so…

Me: I want to make clothes like you do when I grow up.

Mom: I want you to make better and prettier clothes than I do.

Me: You make pretty clothes.

Mom: But I want you to be better than me so you have to make prettier clothes.

Me: Why?

Mom: Because that’s what every mom wants for their kids to be better than them. Now stand up straight before you get stuck with a pin.


I had this conversation with my mom over and over again as I was growing up. The above instance was the first I remember. I was in 1st grade getting dressed for the homecoming parade in a dress my mom made the night before. I felt like a princess in this yellow dress with matching hair ribbons and socks she added lace to. What I did not know at the time was that my mom made the dress the night before because she got paid the day before and that was when she could afford to buy the material. Just thinking about that sacrifice brings tears to my eyes. You see I, like many of you had a superhero mom. Instead of the cape she wore this A line blue polyester skirt with matching light blue shirt during the week and the fiercest high heels with matching hats and suits on Sundays. This woman ran a household that included a husband, 6 to 8 kids and occasionally her mom, as well as, a business, was on the school board, worked 8 to 10 hours a day as a bus driver and was minister all at the same freaking time and she wants me to be better than her? Is she for real?

But now I get it. I have these amazing kids for whom I want every good thing life has to offer. Which is what lead to this:

2006

Boy: I want to be a good cooker like you mommy.

Me: You mean cook. I want you to cook better than mommy.

Boy: You cook really good you make the best food! I want to cook just like you.

Me: I want you to make better food than mommy.

Boy: Why?

Me: Because mommies want their kids to be better than them.

Boy: I don’t know if I can but I think I will make more hotdogs for my kids and they will like that better.

Me: OK

I don’t know that I have done better than my mother in any area. I am sure my siblings would balk at the suggestion that anyone can be better than mom. But I do know that I have tried to be at least as good. I think my kids will be just fine with that.

This Little Girl

I have these kids who are just the light of my life. But, and there is always a but. I like it that they are growing up. I never cried at the first day of school, or got sad when they could dress themselves. None of their milestones ever bothered me. I celebrated each and every one as them being a step closer to the door.

That is until now. This little girl is different. I love her no more no less than her brothers but there is something soo sweet and loving about her, that I cannot handle the little things that indicate her growth. She was the independent sort from birth. She was here 1.7 hours after my first labor pain. She did not give me time to get the nice man to put that wonderful needle in my spine. (I was soo looking forward to it) I forgave her for it the minute she came out looking as long as a 3 month old with these little chicken legs and fingers longer than any baby should have. She knew I was tired so she cooed for a minute got herself some grub and went straight to sleep. She was my company in the height of the grief of losing my mother. I look at her now and I am so unprepared for the mix of emotions she brings. Every one of her birthdays is another year that I have spent without my mom. But she brings more joy that I could ever have hoped for. It makes my heart sad but my spirit joyous to listen to her tell me the story of her days in kindergarten. I am soo happy that she dresses herself yet utterly unprepared for the heaviness of my heart when she appears out of her room completely dressed shoes on the right feet and looking stunning. I wonder sometimes if this beautiful little girl is really the result of me the completely gawky, nerdy little kid with the off color hair. She is bubbly and giggly where I was sad and withdrawn. Yet here she is with my mom’s personality and her dad’s height and smile. I do not think I am ready for the big girl that is in my little girl. I want to always hear that wonderful giggle. But I know that all too soon she will be a teenager shutting me out and not wanting to snuggle with me. I am just not sure I can handle it.

Where Are You On The List

I was reading an article about Oprah’s interview with Michelle Obama and there was a line that just got me. When Oprah asked her about getting up at 4:30am (YES, AM!!!!) to workout she said “Well, I just started thinking, if I had to get up to go to work, I'd get up and go to work. If I had to get up to take care of my kids, I'd get up to do that. But when it comes to yourself, then it's suddenly, "Oh, I can't get up at 4:30." So I had to change that.” The last part of that has kept me up at night thinking about it. Why is it that when it comes to us we are always on the back burner? Everywhere I looked I saw evidence of that. At home my room looks barren and my covers are hand me down sorta matching things that I hate. My kids’ rooms are completely decorated with NEW matching covers, curtains and beautiful accessories. My closet is full of thrift store finds while my kids have a good mix of new and thrift. My dentist appointment got canceled because it was at the same time of the Kindergarten circus. My personal workspace is a mess while I spend a lot of time making sure our shared spaces are neat. I am always last on my list, that is, when I make it to the list. I see that not just in me but many other women, actually just about every woman I know. My sister who is a double amputee is looking for a second, yes, second job to pay for my niece’s sweet sixteen. My one friend always jokes about looking like her kids’ nanny because they are all clean and very well dressed while she may or may not have cheetos or oatmeal stuck to some part of her outfit which consists of the same 3 pairs of sweats and tees. My co-workers all come to work sick because we need to save our time off for when the kids or husband or whomever else besides us are sick. My other friend drives a 6 year old Camry while her daughter drives a 3 year old BMW. Every where we look there is someone telling us that we need to take care of ourselves but it seems to fall on deaf ears, or maybe we are too busy listening to the next thing we need to fix.


I must admit that I have my vices. I may scrounge on the dollar rack for my clothes but my undies cost insane amounts that cause me to cringe when I think of where that money could go. I spent my childhood in white utilitarian undies because my mom loved, loved Clorox. It was after all the ONLY thing that got undies clean and sanitary enough to wear again (yes, she had germ issues). I always have wine in my house. I love wine, I cook with wine and occasionally I put some in the food. I have a wine cooler on my counter that I got BEFORE the new refrigerator in my new place (well I found it on Craig’s list first). These things are mine! I will not give them up. But my Dr. appointment, hair appointment, my room that I have grand plans for are always last on the list. Sick? Who has time for illness or the rest needed to get over it I certainly don’t. Where are you on your list? What do you do to take care of you? Will you take Mrs. Obama’s advice and change how you prioritize yourself?

I have come to realize just how special my childhood was. Not just that I spent my childhood between SC in the winter and NY in the summer. I was a village reared kid. I grew up where we never went to a sitter we went to auntie’s or grandma’s house. I was the first and only grandchild and niece in my family for many years. Spoiled was not the word, my grandma used to call it ruient (ruined, I think). I had it good and I highly recommend it if you have the chance. But I was surrounded by good decent men. Not just men but Black men. From my father to my uncles to my older cousins they were loving responsible men. I never had to look far for a man that I knew loved me for no other reason than that I existed. I keep coming across all of these beautiful photos of President Obama with his girls and of he and Michelle. That look he has when he talks about her or is seen in the pictures where he is looking at her or the girls. I realized that these are not media image we see often of our men. He looks at Michelle the same way my dad used to look at my mom. I remember those looks of pride during some of her sermons or his smiling when she was dressed up. My dad used to joke about how the men would be lining up the minute he closed his eyes becouse his girl was beautiful! But sadly not many of our kids get the chance to live in the world I did nor see great images of men that look like them or their daddy. I used to believe that the absent Black man was a myth. I have seen and experienced first hand that he is not. It is a sad thing. I know that Blacks in general have placed a lot of our hopes and dreams on President Obama’s shoulders. In some ways this is very unfair to him but this is the reality of any public figure. The good news is he knows and seems to accept this. In an interview he had this to say:

“I grew up without a father in the home, and I know how hard it is for a lot of young men and boys who maybe don’t have a father,” Obama said. “To the extent that I can serve as a role model for them, where parents can say here’s somebody who stayed in school and dreamed big dreams and has accomplished something, I’m happy to be used in that way.”

For me though I think one of the most important contributions the Obamas have made could just be in the pictures. These pictures of him with is family are to me the perfect counterbalance to the negative images we see of Black men and families everyday. I know that there are critics out there who are in Obama overload but these images are long coming. In looking on the web I see these images of only Will and Jada Smith. There are many Black celebrities with healthy marriages and happy well adjusted children but those images are not often captured for our children to model. Samuel L Jackson has been married to his wife for over 20 years but a few years ago when he spent time with is daughter on vacation she was reported to be a mystery woman. Because the images of him as loving father are not there. Michael Jordan is another that comes to mind, he has 2 sons and was married for many years, there are thousands of images of him but I could only find one of him with his kids and wife. Denzel Washington is a father and a man who has a long lasting marriage. There have been reports of him in the stands for his son’s college games but none of him watching little league games or just hanging with his kids. Maybe these men have opted for their family’s privacy. But maybe nobody thought these images were important. For children of all races these are important images. Not only do Black children need to see positive images of other Blacks so do children and adults of other races. Imagine seeing the Vogue Cover of Lebron James, any cover of Fifty cents, watching cops and then going to kindergarten to find a Mr. teacher. Maybe just a little scary? Maybe if there weren't so many negative images of us the incident in Philly would not have had to happen and 65 kids would not have that hurtful experience forever sealed in their memories. Just. Maybe.

Whose Kids are These? Part one

My 12 year-old told me the other day that he has “girl issues” he wanted my perspective on. He says his new girlfriend was upset that his old girlfriend asked him if they could go out again. The new girlfriend is mad because he even spoke to the old one. OK now as I try not to choke on my coffee. I told him that his new girlfriend’s insecurities were not his problem, but he had to make sure he was being sensitive to her feelings. I asked was he bragging about the old girlfriend, and how did she even find out as he should have said no and moved on. We went round and round and I told him that he needs to remember that he has a sister and cousins and to always treat girls how he would want boys to treat them. This always gets a kind of panicked look from him as his little sister is his biggest adorer and he returns that love full force. They are soo sickening to watch. That little nugget of advice always bring out the “man” in him as he talks about how he will be leaning on any guy that she brings home. OK now back to my rant this kid is 12 and in the 8th grade whose kid is this? Girl problems? I keep looking at him and thinking this is the kid who did not brush his teeth without me standing over him just 4 short years ago and now he has girl problems? Who are these girls and where are their parents? I know I wanted my kids to come to me but can’t they call their aunts or uncles for this kind of heartburn stuff? Is it too late to just bury my head in the sand? Lord help me I need some amaretto in this coffee.

My 7 year-old gets an IEP to officially tell me what I paid someone ($150) else to tell me a year ago. He is dual exceptional. What is that you ask? My kid has ADD AND he is gifted. Yeah, I know you can’t make this stuff up. He is already suffering from the biggest case of middle child syndrome that I have seen since my sister (33 and still not over it) and now this little fact. He makes 101 on a spelling test one week and the next he makes 30. The difference…. his table mate was crying when he made the 30. Not sure how to even begin addressing this. Is it fair for him to get another test? So I just send the teacher a note asking her to call when she gets a chance. Right now I guess I will just ask what her opinion of what we should do about this. I know he knew all of those words but how genuine does this sound from him mom? Sigh!!! Why can’t he just be pulling some girl’s hair or making noise? That, I know how to deal with. This I am a fish out of water, wayyy out. I do not want to be that parent the teacher does not want to hear from but I have to get my kid through school with at least a little self esteem, how else can I expect him to leave home before 30?

My charming, beautiful, loving daughter thinks she is princess of the world. Literally. She seems to think that class time should revolve around her. She has taken to throwing things, giggling to no end and making bad jokes. Her father and brother think it is because she is so smart that she is bored. I think it is her just being a brat. I know she is my kid and God I love her but she does think the world begins and ends at her feet. She told her last babysitter that her dad calls her princess but “you people” don’t. I am still trying to figure out who you people are I am guessing its those of us who live on planet earth. Anyway, I talk to her nicely and take away her TV time. She is all tearful and mournful telling me how she will not do it again. OK 2 days later I get the same call. This time I was not so nice and I would not let her wear any of her new clothes, make her carry her old lunch bag and all has been well ever since. Princess of the world indeed.

Just writing this has made me realize how much I need a trip to the adult drink store. Amaretto, red wine, white wine, gin…. maybe I just need to see if they have a store credit card. I see a lot of praying and drinking in my future and not always in that order.