Adults Behaving Badly

Is it Ok to excuse an adult for behavior you would punish your kids for? This is a question I am pondering because I encountered a very very rude adult at church. While I was complaining about the behavior, two of her friends came to her defense. I was told that she is one of the nicest, kind hearted people I would ever come in contact with. They said she would do anything she can for you. She just has a “personality” and you just have to get used to her. My issue is she is old enough to know better. And, I remember a nice kind old lady in my church growing up just like her, Sister W. That woman was one of the reasons I had to be dragged into any kind of leadership role in successive churches. I always felt I would encounter a Sister W. I knew a Sister W was not going to bring out the best in me. I also felt that Sister W stole a lot of my worship from me. As an adult I get that I gave up my worship and Sister W was indeed a very nice person who would be mortified to know that I disliked her enough to hold back in church. But still, maybe things would have been different if her friends had said to her that she was rude and needed to check her behavior instead of telling me and others that she meant no harm or that’s just the way she is.

I read a piece by Blogher’s Mata H. on your ideal place of worship and this incident instantly came to mind. This makes me wonder if this is really my ideal place of worship. I want a place where I and my children can grow spiritually, be nurtured, loved and feel safe. I am not into having to walk on eggshells to account for someone’s personality. That did not work out well for me in my marriage, hence the EX husband. I am almost never rude I go out of my way to make people feel special and welcome. So why then do I get treated with such disrespect and then told ‘it just the way she is’.

Back to my original point why is it that we expect more from kids than adults? If either of these defenders of this lady had been told that their kids behaved this way they would have apologized to me and made their kids apologize. A friend of mine told me that she once took her son to a church service when he was 4 or 5 and he behaved very badly. She said she got him in the foyer of the church and said “you know better than to act this way. We do not behave like this in church.” He responded to her by saying “mommy this not a real church, because that man up there was drunk at pa pa’s house yesterday”. She said she was stunned and so were the people in the foyer. She said so we just left. Our children are watching us. Be it the child like me who just sat in church for years because I felt like all churches had a Sister W or this little boy who felt he was not in a real church because he saw the minister drunk the day before. Why defend the adult who should know better than to behave this way and esp in church. When is it appropriate to say to a friend that was rude you owe her/him an apology? If you are truly a friend why not have that conversation? How do you handle an adult’s bad behavior? Remember your kids or someone else’s may be watching.

Where Are You On The List

I was reading an article about Oprah’s interview with Michelle Obama and there was a line that just got me. When Oprah asked her about getting up at 4:30am (YES, AM!!!!) to workout she said “Well, I just started thinking, if I had to get up to go to work, I'd get up and go to work. If I had to get up to take care of my kids, I'd get up to do that. But when it comes to yourself, then it's suddenly, "Oh, I can't get up at 4:30." So I had to change that.” The last part of that has kept me up at night thinking about it. Why is it that when it comes to us we are always on the back burner? Everywhere I looked I saw evidence of that. At home my room looks barren and my covers are hand me down sorta matching things that I hate. My kids’ rooms are completely decorated with NEW matching covers, curtains and beautiful accessories. My closet is full of thrift store finds while my kids have a good mix of new and thrift. My dentist appointment got canceled because it was at the same time of the Kindergarten circus. My personal workspace is a mess while I spend a lot of time making sure our shared spaces are neat. I am always last on my list, that is, when I make it to the list. I see that not just in me but many other women, actually just about every woman I know. My sister who is a double amputee is looking for a second, yes, second job to pay for my niece’s sweet sixteen. My one friend always jokes about looking like her kids’ nanny because they are all clean and very well dressed while she may or may not have cheetos or oatmeal stuck to some part of her outfit which consists of the same 3 pairs of sweats and tees. My co-workers all come to work sick because we need to save our time off for when the kids or husband or whomever else besides us are sick. My other friend drives a 6 year old Camry while her daughter drives a 3 year old BMW. Every where we look there is someone telling us that we need to take care of ourselves but it seems to fall on deaf ears, or maybe we are too busy listening to the next thing we need to fix.


I must admit that I have my vices. I may scrounge on the dollar rack for my clothes but my undies cost insane amounts that cause me to cringe when I think of where that money could go. I spent my childhood in white utilitarian undies because my mom loved, loved Clorox. It was after all the ONLY thing that got undies clean and sanitary enough to wear again (yes, she had germ issues). I always have wine in my house. I love wine, I cook with wine and occasionally I put some in the food. I have a wine cooler on my counter that I got BEFORE the new refrigerator in my new place (well I found it on Craig’s list first). These things are mine! I will not give them up. But my Dr. appointment, hair appointment, my room that I have grand plans for are always last on the list. Sick? Who has time for illness or the rest needed to get over it I certainly don’t. Where are you on your list? What do you do to take care of you? Will you take Mrs. Obama’s advice and change how you prioritize yourself?